Dear Doc Brown,

You were great in those confusing movies about traveling through time and hoverboards. Your hair is worth a laugh and who doesn’t like a manic lab coat wearing town crazy? I need your help Dr. Brown, you see I think we can slightly fix the economy. If we go back in time to early 2009 (that’s not asking for much) we could tell President Obama that Samuel Dalembert was stealing money from hard working American people.

(paging Doc Dalembert)

He even got kicked off the Canadian hoops team for the 2008 (sickest) Olympic Games. Canada didn’t event want him.

Samuel seems like a nice guy and is involved in philanthropy, but he is simply ‘out to lunch.’ A couple years back people were willing to trade for this ‘dripping with potential’ shot-blocker. He can get up and down the court with ease for a big man, but has pitchforks attached to his wrists. He has never figured out how to really play the game.

Look into his eyes when he plays Doc. He seems to be thinking about Anime and looks incredibly confused even if a call goes his way. He just isn’t there. A Patrick Bateman from Haiti. Going through the motions as the quarters pass. He just wants the game to end. All he can think about is being at home, eating Ellio’s Pizza and playing Xbox. A man-child who nicknamed HIMSELF ‘Bouncing Sam.’ I don’t need to say anymore Doc. Let’s do this…we might be able to save some jobs!

Sincerely,

Marty McHate

Jonesy, BABY, You're Killin Me!

Duuuuuuuuuddddeeeeee....

Dear Matt Jones,

First off, sorry about the whole being released thing. All it took was a few cold ones with your golfing buddies, giving the Jaguars a reason to let you go. You got caught with cocaine last year, and we all knew you weren’t innocent. That’s how people who do drugs act. They get the idea in their head, which is usually the most thrilling aspect, and you couldn’t wait to do some lines at home, forcing you to stop along the road and do coke off the dashboard. The Jaguars forgave you, I forgave you. Even though we ALL knew you were lying when you told us you weren’t involved.

You came back and had the best season of your career. They suspended you the last 3 games of the season, but you showed us something. Maybe you weren’t such a knucklehead. But alas, you couldn’t resist some beers, and ended up back in the dog house.

We don’t even know each other Matt, but you took something from us. You took away the return of the ‘white athlete.’ The only white NFL player to be drafted as an actual ‘flex’ player, you could do it all Matt. You have hops, speed and used to sport a great lion’s mane. Jeremy Bloom was a bust man, WE NEEDED YOU!

Now I don’t know who will pick you up. Maybe the Eagles, maybe the Ravens, but please Matt don’t do it again man. You could have been a contender. You could have been the next Easy Ed McAfferty. Now you might be the next Todd Marinovich.

Shame on you Matt. You could have persuaded a young white football player to try and play receiver as opposed to kicking field goals.

Sincerely,
The White Man

"What the hell am I doing right now? OHHH I am stretching for dissapoinment."

Side note:

Is Jones shrinking? Look how beefy he was when he got drafted... vs. him in 2008. 

He either slimmed down to fit in his WR role, OR he has been doing so much coke that he is aiming to look like Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface.