Who Watches The NBA??

Watchmen opened number 1 at the box office this past weekend, which is pretty good for a nearly 3 hour cult epic riddled with cock shots. I saw the movie, it was very uneven, but enjoyable. I’m a fan of the book and felt the movie stayed pretty faithful throughout. (YES Uber-Geeks I know the ending was changed, but it worked. You are left with the same moral conflict that the book inhibits)

The reviews for Watchmen have been strikingly polarizing. Some critics loved it, and some feel it’s just another testosterone fueled action fest. The A.V. Club even posted something about people walking out of the movie before the sweeping finale!

How does this have any connection to professional sports? What pro sport is hated and loved equally? What sport did people used to love until the shorts got longer and the trash talk got trashier?

THE NBA FOLKS!

Like Watchmen, you either love it or hate it. You might tune in for some parts (Dr. Manhattan’s origin story OR D-Wade on a Thursday night ESPN game). You might be disgusted by the way the game has progressed (The awful Watchmen love scene with awkward music OR the way ‘me-first’ players like Tracy McGrady have stripped the team aspect away from the game). And some of us, like Watchmen fans, are simply in love.

So I have decided to assign NBA players from all eras of the game to represent Watchmen characters:

Rorsach is Steve Nash

First off, Jackie Earl Haley looks somewhat like Nash when he is unmasked in the film. He is the underdog. A small white dude who has unnatural skills and a liberal mind. They are both the cornerstones of their teams. The Watchmen and the Suns need them both equally.

Nite Owl is Scottie Pippen

The Watchmen needed Nite Owl for his technical skills like Jordan’s Bulls needed Scottie’s cagey defense. He is an integral part of the group, often overshadowed, but never forgotten.

Ozymandias is Kobe Bryant

So powerful, bent on world domination, but ultimately…kind of douchey.

The Comedian is Shaquille O’Neal

Both have been around forever, and ultimately one of the lasting faces of the NBA/Watchmen. They are both painfully sensitive, can tell the joke, but can’t take one. Shaq and the Comedian could be great friends, but whatever you do…DO NOT call them floppers.

Silk Spectre is Danny Schayes

Silk Spectre and Danny are the offspring of former greats. Dolph Shcayes is an NBA legend and trailblazer for the Jewish community. Silk Spectre is the daughter of the first Silk Spectre, who was a trailblazing superhero, giving women a face in a world of muscle bound men. But Silk Spectre (the 2nd) and Danny Schayes are shells of their parents….they just never panned out.

Dr. Manhattan is Lebron James

Yes for the simple reasons that they are absolute beasts, and nobody can stop them. But I am going with High School Lebron. He was the most powerful young ballplayer in the world, and yet…he was still manipulated. People made money of his pay-per-view High School games, and he was just a kid. Dr. Manhattan is the strongest human EVER, yet he is still manipulated by the government and asked to fight in the Vietnam War. And if Lebron never wins a championship, he too should retreat to Mars.